The chilled mountain air froze me to the core. I tried to tell myself that the strong arms encircling me were creating enough heat to keep me warm, but I could not bear to lie to myself again. Those thoughts were toxins to my mind, they would allow me to hope, allow me to believe that everything would be all right.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” I whispered, breaking the tense silence that surrounded us. I tried to not let the reason we were there haunt me, but it kept resurfacing, unable to leave me alone.
“I told you,” his voice was tired, echoing from his thin lips. “This is what I need.”
I looked at him and could not believe what I was seeing. He sat by the fire, orange light illuminating his weary form. His once tall and strong build looked sickly slouched against the thick oak tree. His deep black hair was matted against his forehead, messy and disheveled. He looked like death.
“So that’s it? Come to some stupid lake in Geneva and end it all! This is such bullsh*t!” I tried to keep the burning tears from falling down my face, the hot salt stinging the surface of my eyes. I could feel a scorching anger boiling in my chest, spreading through my veins. I wanted to damn his soul to the deepest circle of hell. I wanted him to burn in the white flames deep in the earth beneath our feel. Guilt swam within my stomach for thinking such things, thoughts that seemed so harrowingly appropriate. I tried to push the anger back into its cage, keeping it locked up, at least for now.
“Yes.” His voice was unwavering and startlingly monotonic. He seemed to not care at all about the situation at hand.
“I wish you wouldn’t.” I moved closer, pressing our faces together. Our noses brushed, the familiar feel of his skin sending electric currents through my body. I watched our misty breath mix together in our view in thick white tendrils that twirled around our heads. “I wish you would stay with me.” I leaned in to plant a kiss upon his lower lip, but he pulled away before I could reach him.
“I can’t. I can’t stay here any longer.” His voice was entirely void of emotion, he sounded like a computer spitting out words that were typed quickly within his mind.
“Why can’t you?” I felt the chill of the empty space he left behind. “Why do you need to throw this all away? Throw away everything we have.” I choked on the sting in my throat, a raw biting pain clawing up my trachea. I pushed back the tears for at least another moment longer.
“Because it’s all too much.” His words were filled with nothing, and though I tried to make eye contact, he refused to meet mine. As I tried to search the green irises in the dim fire light, looking for some indication that the man I loved was still there. That some scrap of his bold personality was hidden in those eyes. Though he did not make contact, I could tell that he was not there, not anymore. The fear that I had already lost him grew stronger with each passing moment.
“So, you’re just going to leave me with all of this? That’s not fair!” Crackles evaded my voice, breaking down my speech.
“We’ve had this discussion before.” He pulled further back against the tree as he spoke, further back into the creeping shadows. “I can’t make this anymore clear.”
I roughly ran my fingers though my hair. The short strands were choppy and thick, cropped short due to a fit of frustration on my side. My jeweled rings pulled these small strands along with them as my fingers racked backward. I looked at the collection of peroxide hair in my hand and let out a chuckle. “I can’t do this right now.” My voice shook as I stood, my gangly knees jarring into his side and my boney elbows knocked him in the nose. Neither of us cared.
I walked through the tree, the air around me darkening as I stepped into the thick mountain forest. When I finally broke free, and stood before the valley, the destination of our trip. I walked out to the edge of the stretching pool. The water was crystal clear and completely smooth as if no one had ever disturbed its surface. The reflection of the moon upon the water was perfect and flawless. The light of its full face hit the valley as if it hung directly above my head.
“How did it become this difficult?” The words floated before me on a ribbon of visible vapor making my way to the edge of the water. I relished the feeling of the spongy sand between my toes, coating my feet in a thick layer of grit. I sat upon the sand, close to the edge of the lake, the same film of grit quickly evading the rest of my skin. My toes dipped in the chilled liquid, rings wrapping their way around my feet and pushed forward into the open water, rippling out until they faded into nonexistence. The soft movement of the water mesmerized me for the time being.
I tired not to bring up memories of the life I missed, my perfect life that shattered in my hands. I tried to keep them locked within my head, but the lock was rusted over, and I could not keep them imprisoned any longer. As they finally broke free a giant wave of utter devastation sent me reeling. I dropped my head into my hands as the memories buzzed around my head like busy worker bees. I could taste his warm loving lips upon my own, so full of care and life and happiness and perfection. I heard his hazy voice so full of sleep and concern as I cried though the static laden receiver listening to his calming voice telling me that everything would be all right. I felt his warm arms wrap around me, pulling me tight to his chest at the end of an awful day. I could smell his cologne lingering upon my pillow and see his smile shine through the darkness.
The tears were falling freely now as I sobbed for the past I craved. And so I sat upon the shore of that lake beneath the pale moonlight shining down upon the lush green valley surrounded by breath taking mountains, and wept.
Midnight came and went speeding by in an attempt to alert me of my approaching fate. I leaned back, laying flat in the sand and watched the stars. I watched the lights twinkle bright above me. I tried to pick out the constellations you always hear about, confused as to how anyone could find pictures in the light mass. As two o’clock reared its head I stood. My body ached in protest as I stiffly stretched, trying to remove the kinks my body now held. I pushed my palms across my skin, trying to remove the sand from myself in a futile effort to get clean.
A heavy sigh pulled through me as I felt as sickening weight upon my hand. I shook my palm out, expecting there to be a big hairy spider strolling across my fingers. Yet, no matter how much I shook my hand, the weight continued to remain. Looking down I realized that the weight was not from something living, but from something I have cherished for many years. The culprit of the weight was perched upon my ting finger and has been for a while. A shiny ornate wedding ring sat gleaming up at me, Celtic engravings were entwined around the metal, fitting snuggly around my finger. Through blurry eyes I saw the moment in which that ring was slid upon my hand, an everlasting promise of love and compassion. With sudden verbosity I ripped the ring from my finger and hurled it into the still water. A satisfying plot filled the air as the ring hit the water and sunk to the bottom of the lake. With my new light hand I wiped the tears from my face with a sharp swipe.
“I can change too,” I sneered, and in the still silence of the night I felt a complete enveloping manic taking over my mind.
In a huff I stormed back to our pathetic campsite and found him sitting in the same place I left him. His sickly frame perched against the mighty oak, the popping fire before him dwindling to naught. As I got closer I could hear a litany tugging from his lips.
“What are you doing?”
“Praying, he’ll protect me tomorrow, he’ll take me in. I know he will, and everything will be alright.” I could not respond to him, not a single word could escape my mouth. Through out his entire life he kept his beliefs close to his heart, something I could not understand. He prayed through every hardship, and his God never failed to disappoint me. He prated though the past year and now I’m going to lose everything important to me. I refused to share his beliefs, and ever have I once uttered a single prayer.
I sat beside him on the itchy blanket I inevitably covered in sand, and stared up at the sky. Though no daylight poked through the blackness I could feel the bright colors pushing their way up to me. I could feel the hours slip away, minutes tick by, and seconds trickle down.
“Hun, can you talk to me?” My voice gave way to my defeat.
“About what?”
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”
“I’m fine.” His words were curt and biting, trying to end the conversation as soon as it began.
“See, I don’t think that you are, you barely speak to me. You seem so distant and broken. If I’m going to lose you so soon I’d like to talk to you.” My voice cracked and tore, mimicking the pain I felt within me.
“We should sleep.” Dejected, he moved further towards the dark, further way from me.
“No! You can sleep tomorrow! I need this! You’re not well. Please talk to me.”
“I’m the farthest thing from ill.”
“But you’re-“
“I’m fine!” Startled, I closed up and back off. The booming yell greatly contrasting the soft, meek tones he spoke in before. “We should really sleep,” he continued, as if he never raised his voice.
“Because you need sleep.” Sarcasm dripped from every word.
“Please?”
I paused. “Fine” I slunk back over to our makeshift bed beneath the expansive sky. His arms wrapped around my waist, holding me close, and as I felt him slip into sweet oblivion, his warm breath puffing clouds into my ear, I cried. I cried as each star blinked out one by one. I cried as the moon faded away. I cried as the sky became painted with blood stained watercolors. I cried as morning mocked me.
“Goo’ morning.” His words slurred together, thick and groggy with sleep.
“Morning,” I whispered as I thanked whoever was listening that he could not see my sleep deprived face, that he could not see my broken heart through my glassy eyes.
“Come here.” He rolled me over and squinted through the bright morning sunshine. He placed a light, loving kiss onto my lips. A kiss just like the ones I missed, and as he pulled away I felt a fresh wave of sadness rip right through me.
“I love you,” he whispered. The words stung as they hit my mind, wrapping around my brain and pulling tight. If he loved me he would not be dead set on continuing with this charade.
He stood, stretching and popping in every direction. He wore a pair of ripped jeans and a pale blue tee shirt, clothing I already missed. Without a second glance he was off into the forest. Quickly I scooped myself up and followed the retreating figure before it could completely vanish from my view.
As we approached the lake I drank in my surroundings as a realization dawned on me. I was alone, my manic and I. My happy man had left me many moons ago, he had swiftly taken the one love from my life and left me with a disconnect inside. His ghost has followed me in my mind and in the broken fragments of my heart. My manic and I, we have been quite happy, that I do know.
I let out a stark laugh as the water wrapped around my feet, bangles of ice-cold water encircled my ankles. I listened to the world around me; felt my mind met between my ears. That was it, there I was, and I was fine, content, happy. And with a mocking sneer I let myself wonder if his God would save me, take me in and protect me. I wondered if with his final chance he would not disappoint.
“Like that’ll ever happen,” I spoke aloud.
The water was rising as I marched forward. No turning back now, my manic and I. The water was cold as it seeped into my bones, and as the water reached my chest I head the bird sing to calm me down, but I refused to listen to their song.
“Too little too late!” Cried my manic and I. And soon the water was at my chin, mouth, nose, ears, eyes, and I saw no more, and yet I heard. I heard the world; it was so loud around me, rattling in my ears. I breathed in, and there was nothing.
His God failed me once again.
And the birds kept singing to calm me down.
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